By Carolyn Chakiris
Wired Earbuds
The number one accessory for performance. AirPods are out, headphones are too chalant, but wired earbuds are the perfect amount of mystery while seeming like you don’t care. It does not matter if they are plugged in, but it is better if you listen to performative music through them. (More on that later).
Labubu
One of the most important parts of being a performative male is having your own Labubu. The small stuffed toy, created by Kasing Lung, is a key aspect of performance. Having a Labubu will not only prove to everyone around you that you are performative, but can also act as a friend when you are feeling like a popular loner.
Dubai Chocolate
A love for Dubai Chocolate is another crucial element. Dubai chocolate will not only make you more popular with the huzz, but also provide a dazzling taste sensation, with the smooth chocolate, creamy pistachio filling, and delicate crunch of kataifi.
Matcha
Having a cup 75 percent full of matcha, preferably with oat milk, adds many layers of mystique to your persona of performance. Ensuring the cup is mostly full helps prove you are not drinking for the love of the beverage, but rather the love of the art and the game.
Clairo
With your wired headphones also comes the need to listen to performative music. One of the subjectively best performative artists is Clairo. Listening to Clairo’s music will provide you with a solid, performative answer if you ever find yourself asked, “What are you listening to?” or “Show me your Spotify Wrapped.” Clairo is just underground enough that it is realistic that you could listen to her music, but you probably don’t understand all of her lyrics. This, however, is a key part of performance — you don’t understand all there is to women, but you are trying your best.
Feminist literature
Reading feminist literature like “The Feminine Mystique,” “A Room of One’s Own,” and “The Handmaid’s Tale” will help you reach your main goal and pursue your true purpose: a deeper understanding of women. These books must be hardcover with slight damage around the edges, showing you not only read them, but have read them frequently enough that they show signs of wear and tear. Bonus performance points if you have a feminist-leaning bookmark somewhere around the middle of the book, and can open to that page and explain what is going on.
Tote bag
To hold your Labubu, Dubai chocolate bar, and hardcover feminist literature books, a tote bag slung over your shoulder will help further your aura of mystery. The tote bag also helps show your solidarity with women; although you, as a man, have pants with pockets, you don’t use them. Instead, you stand with women and use a bag of your own. It is even more performative if this tote bag was purchased from a local coffee shop, bookstore, or is made out of sustainable materials.
Performative Clothes
The final part of being a performative male is dressing the part. The part includes some sort of white, fitted T-shirt, a cable knit sweater (preferably thrifted), and baggy jeans — the baggier, the better. These jeans must be thrifted, as second-hand denim is best for the environment. The jeans must also be so baggy that they give you a full range of motion, whether you are skateboarding, sitting on a park bench yearning and pondering, or standing up for women’s rights.
By using these tips, you can all but guarantee that you will end up on-stage — whether a performative male contest, a women’s rights protest, or a TikTok compilation of men who are trying too hard to appeal to the female gaze. All in all, following these steps can guarantee that you will at least appear to have a more conclusive understanding of women, even if you never actually get to talk to them.